New Job, Breast Forms, and Dressing Up!

New Job

Yay! I got a new job that pays well. I start next Monday! Now I will squirrel money away to pay for surgeries. Blargh. I never would have thought I would look forward to elective surgery!

Breast Forms

I got my Breast Forms today. At about $90.00USD from Curves they’re on the low end of silicon forms and are really meant to help a lady add a few cup sizes– not create something where something isn’t. Nevertheless, they do work well enough to make you look like you have a pair of (rather perky) breasts! I also received an appropriately sized (38B) convertible pocket bra…it’s ‘k’ but nothing to get excited about. One of those gotta haves.

Tracey Lends Me Her Wardrobe
I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned that I met Tracey, a cool transsexual like yours truly, at the last MCC support group meeting. She’s pretty far along (pre-op, but years on hormones and living full-time!) in her transition and has been very helpful in terms of offering advice, sharing books, and even sharing clothes! Now I have a nice simple wardrobe to wear around the house until money from my new job starts to roll in…nd breast forms to wear under them!

I Want An AWESOME Dress

My mission now is to find an awesome, expensive dress I can wear for my first time out in public. (Probably to see my therapist!) An A-Line dress with a V-neck and a thin line defining the waist. Or a wrap. Not sure yet but I’ll get back to you on this one!

You Might Be Transexual If…

Lots of memories from my childhood have been coming back to me at odd moments lately. Not such a surprise really. Here are a few:

• You start wearing you sister’s underwear before starting Kindergarten and know, somehow instinctively, you’d better not let anyone else know. Did my parents discover me at some point and shame me into hiding it? I just don’t remember.
• You dress up in women’s clothes you found stowed in your sister’s old playhouse turned storage shed and get your cousin in trouble by talking him into dressing up with you!
• You try to get your mom to buy you underoos meant for girls, banking on her lack of knowledge of female superheroes to work in your favor. Superman, supergirl…what’s the difference? Ooops! My bad, mom, we better take these back… (sigh)
• You create a “devise” from two chairs, two wire baskets, and some cable that you fantasize will transfer your soul into the body of your unwitting female cousin whom you lure into sitting next to you.
• You pine away in your attic and dream that aliens from the hollow earth (My dad was into some seriously wacky stuff and so was I as a child as a result..) will abduct/rescue you and give you the life you’ve always dreamed of even if that means never seeing another human being for the rest of your life.
• You pray to God that he will give you a woman’s body.
• You pray to God that he will forgive you for wanting a woman’s body. Fasting seems to assuage the guilt AND helps you keep a feminine figure!
• You wish that the “cursed” Girdle of Femininity the sadistic Dungeon Master just tricked your adventuring companion into wearing had been given to you instead.
• You don’t wear your mom’s clothes not because it’s creepy (which it is) but because they are so out of fashion and non-feminine. Your sister’s clothes are fair game though, even though it’s still creepy.
• You steal clothes from your friend’s sisters. (Less creepy, although still creepy.)
• You steal women’s clothes from dryers in laundromats. (A little less creepy but more dangerous!)
• You stay with your friend’s when they watch their sister’s house and finagle your way into sleeping in their bedroom with the door locked (god, I’m good) so you can play dress up all night long.
• You become an expert manipulator and liar so you can get what you need and always cover your tracks.
• You realize as you masturbate you want to be the woman, not the man.

Was I a weird kid or what?

:-)

Adventures in Transexuality: An Update

Laser Hair Removal

Seems to be working. The shedding is done (just in time for me to start interviewing…phew!) and my beard seems noticeably lighter. I’m starting to get my hopes up that the amount of electrolysis I’ll need on my face and neck will be significantly diminished thanks to lasering.

Beautification

My pores have never been cleaner although, again, the process wasn’t painless. My poor nose shed about three layers of skin after the beating it took but it looks great! My eyes look a lot more feminine with the subtle arch contouring after the waxing. They’re also darker (matched to my hair color) and my eye lashes, naturally pretty long but straight, are now much darker (black). It looks good but my friend Bryan noticed immediately and said I have girl eyes. Awesome but let’s just hope the interviewers aren’t too taken aback and think I’m just a sultry guy, at least for a while!

Shep & Dave: The Saga Continues

I think Shep is coming around to acceptance. We’ve had a few chats pretty much like the first one you’ve read below since and the whole issue has been thrashed about on our private “circle of friends only” mailing list. Shep was absolutely brutal, almost insane, in his reaction as was Dave. Still, lots of other friends and friend’s spouses jumped to my defense like a brigade of knights in shining armor which was incredibly cool. Tom is the one who brought the subject to the list with my blessing. My thinking was that if everyone saw what everyone else was saying they wouldn’t have to rely on me for an objective account of what everyone was saying to me in private. I think this REALLY worked out well to be honest. I’m not sure if it would be possible without the Internet, frankly. Go Internet! Anyway, Shep’s was silent for a while and then Instant Messaged me the other day to ask how the lasering went and then just talked about some unrelated stuff and said good night. For Shep, that is a BIG step forward. Dave still wants everyone to try to help him fix me but he has shut up as well. He might just get over it as well. Jim is really the only one I’m worried about at this point since I haven’t heard back from him at all. I’m starting to think that no news is definitely not good news when it comes to people reacting to your coming out. If they keep in communication there’s hope. When all there is is silence…well, hard to say but I don’t think it bodes well. Who knows? Jim is my least oldest friend (only about 8 years now) but it would still suck to lose him.

Zap…Ouch! Laser Hair Removal Isn’t Painless

OK, I didn’t expect the Laser Hair Removal process to be painless but let me just say…holy f**ck! (Of course, I was dumb and turned down the lidocane cream they offered. I won’t make that mistake again!) It’s not like the pain is unbearable…each shot just hurts a little but when the shots come one after the other, over and over again, it adds up to a pretty uncomfortable experience. When they took the eye protection off a built up well of tears came rolling out on both sides!

That said, the procedure was quick and so far (4 hours later) the after-effects aren’t too bad.  I’ve got some some swelling and redness, especially around the neck, but that’s about it.  I’ll keep you posted.  If the laser managed to kill a significant number of hairs on my face and neck then I’ll be a happy camper, not to mention a repeat customer.  The total cost, with tip, was $900.00 for face, cheeks, mustache area, and neck. A nice big tip is included in this price– probably around 15%. I’m not sure if this is the right percentage amount to tip for spas treatment but I’m always really generous when it comes to tipping.

They also offered to do a deep cleaning of my pores, which are pretty badly clogged, dye my eyelashes and eyebrows, and wax my eye brows to give them a better shape. I would not have agreed to these suggestions had not my wife made EXACTLY the same recommendations independently. This leads me to believe that they really looked at my face and suggested things that I would benefit from and not that plus everything they offer including the kitchen sink. SO, I’m back tomorrow for more pampering which, I must admit, I could get used to.

:-)

First Laser Hair Removal Session Tomorrow!

Yay! Cross your fingers for me that this works and spares me a lot of painful electrolysis!

Becki

Dave Speaks His Piece About My Coming Out

Here’s the full text of the email from the infamous Dave (see previous post) regarding my recent coming out.

Hey Dave,

> By far…this is the best joke you have ever played on me and the rest
> of the gang. I’ve talked to everyone in our circle of friends, except
> Roy because Tom asked me not to…prolly because he’d tell me the truth?
> Appears they are all holding out too. So gratz…it’s airtight.

Sorry man, it’s not a joke. Tom asked you not to tell Roy because I hadn’t told Roy yet. He now knows as I told him the night before he left for Mississippi.

> However…if this is not a joke then I find this very disturbing…if
> not downright horrifying. Im not going to hold back a bit and consider
> this e-mail part of your uphill battle to become a woman.

Done. I consider having to deal with you and Shep part of the uphill battle. Some negative reaction is foreseeable in a general sense but it’s hard to predict from whom the negative reactions will come and how diplomatically or undiplomatically these negative reactions will be presented.

> Ok…as diplomaticly as I can put it…Will, your off your god damned
> rocker! This is fucking absolutely freaking nuts and you had better
> quit taking those fucking prozac pills because they are weakening your mind.
> You might think you are in control but you are being misled by faulty
> psychanalysis and open to the power of suggestion. Either way, you
> would never make the evaluation process. They would shit can you
> because you already take mind altering meds.

If you read the HBIGDA’s Standards of Care document (the document which guides medical and psychological practitioners in the treatment of individuals diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria) you’ll see that they do not screen individuals out based on their taking antidepressants. In fact, the document states clearly that:

“Hormonal treatment can often alleviate anxiety and depression in people without the use of additional psychotropic medications. Some individuals, however, need psychotropic medication prior to, or concurrent with, taking hormones or having surgery. The mental health professional is expected to make this assessment, and see that the appropriate psychotropic medications are offered to the patient.”

So, as you can see, antidepressants are often prescribed as part of the standards of care process where necessary although often the transition process itself alleviates the depression and anxiety associated with the disorder in the first place without the need for antidepressants.  The upshot here is that as I transition I will quite likely be able to go off the Prozac (Zoloft actually).

I’ve attached the latest revision of the Standards of Care PDF document to this email in case you would like to read it in more detail.

Now, on to your two other points.

First, you said that Prozac muddles your mind and makes you susceptible to the power of suggestion.  This is not listed in any side effects I’ve ever seen listed for SSRI class drugs. If you have reputable academic sources that justify your claims feel free to provide references and I’ll look them up.

Second, you said that my therapist is taking advantage of my weakened mental state to suggest that I need to transition to being a woman. This is clearly not the case since I’ve identified as a woman internally since I was (at least) four years old.  Recently, I decided I needed to do something about it and so I sought out a therapist who is certified to practice under the HBIGDA’s standards of care.  Since I sought her out for treatment regarding this condition it’s impossible that she could have used the power of suggestion to turn me on to this path.

> By what standards of masculinity do you compare yourself, where , if
> found wanting, you would choose to be the opposite gender? Aren’t you
> being too hard on yourself?

I don’t compare myself to standards of masculinity. Internally, my entire sense of myself is that I am female and that I’ve had to essentially wear a mask to fit in with society’s expectations. Indications from my childhood would be my persistent desire to cross dress since at least age four, my wondering when I would get my period, my wondering what kind of girl I’d grow up to be once the boy phase was over, fantasizing about my future life as a woman that Jesus would provide for me through some miracle to correct the obvious problem God made when he made me, etc…  I have tons of these stories I can give you if you care to hear them but this has gone on my entire life and it has taken a lot of energy to go out into the world and pretend to be something I’m not…that is, a man.  Believe it or not, my social anxiety and depression are at all time lows now that I can go out in public, be my generally girly self, and have fun. I could care less that others see me as effeminate or gay. I look forward to some of them accepting me as a woman.

> Geez, I thought you were a happy guy with a normal life …the house ,
> car, dog and picket fence to boot.Never ever would I think that
> underneath the surface there was turmoil that would turn my lifelong
> friend into something that the rest of us wouldnt recognize.

Happiness is a relative thing. If you’re gay and you have to pretend not to be your life is basically going to suck no matter what else you have going for you. Just imagine if you didn’t like girls and had to sneak around and get it on with dudes.  Would you be very happy?  I think not.  Gender Identity is similar to Sexual Orientation in that if there is a mismatch in your makeup that society frowns upon you will have a hard time of it.

> You have to play the role of a woman for a year before they even
> consider you..now you know that right there will change
> everything…you are no longer going to be Will…you will be
> something completely different. You will be Will, learning how to
> become a woman in your mid-life. Not even you can see the outcome.
> Certainly you dont know if you will even be happy with yourself after having done the operation.

I am still going to be Will. In fact, I’ll be Will plus a lot of myself that I couldn’t share with anyone in the past.  I think you’ll like the new Will++ a lot better, frankly, if you can get past your own (very understandable) discomfort with the concept.

There are no guarantees in life but based on long term post operative psychological analysis the odds are greatly in favor of my looking back on my decision very positively.  I do not think I am making a mistake and I’m sure the process itself will weed me out if I do not conform to the model for which SRS is permitted. This is as it should be since I am in total agreement that those who would likely regret undergoing SRS should not be allowed to do so. That said, I don’t think they’ll weed me out as I am a very rational person and I know my history happens to match very closely that associated with those who are allowed to transition via SRS.

> You realize what you are playing with here? You could do something so
> irreversable that it could drive you to madness…even suicide! I am
> not joking here.

If I am wrong about this then you could well be right.  Thankfully, trained psychologists (at least two of them) and a couple of medical doctors will all have to agree that this is the right thing for me to do before I get the necessary approvals to have SRS. If you are right and I am a bad candidate then that should come out in the wash.

> I have never questioned your manhood as a friend….never crossed my
> mind that you ever had a gender disorder until just a couple days ago.

> I think your mental faculties have taken a dive and you are not as in
> control as you think you are. Probably the meds you take now are
> forcing you to open up pandoras boxes exposing demons of the past that
> you have already dealt with.

Things that are repressed have a way of rearing their ugly head until they are dealt with. This is one of those things.  My sex life and capability for intimacy were both deeply impaired by my keeping this secret repressed for decades. Rather than let it hurt my marriage I decided to do something about it which has already markedly improved my sex life and capability for intimacy. These are very good signs that I am on the right track.

> Oh, how could I forget…the question of your wife sticking by
> you….now that is totally bizzare. Usually something like this would
> drive a marriage apart. After all she did marry a man. So how is it
> she is now ok with another woman? Does she even know what she wants?
> This is not the time for anyone to be loving and supportive…this is
> the time for your friends and wife to drop you on your head for a wake up call!

I don’t think it’s bizarre although it is atypical. First of all, Liisa married me for many reasons only one of which was that I was a man. Obviously she wasn’t looking for a macho man in the first place since I certainly don’t fit that bill.  She’s OK with my transitioning to being a woman because she has determined that although I will changing on the outside, who I am on the inside is what counts.

Most psychologists recommend that friends and relatives of transsexuals be loving and supportive despite your statements to the contrary.  I recommend you take their advice and rethink your knee-jerk, gut reaction about how to handle the situation to whatever extent possible. The following two web-sites can provide you with some decent info on transexualism:

http://www.tsfaq.info/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transexualism

> If you told me you were born with female genitalia I could
> understand…but if you were born as a man then you are just trying to
> reverse mother nature for your own selfish ends.

There is a huge spectrum of male-ness and female-ness, even at the genetic level.  On the far end of the masculine scale there are XYY chromosome males who often exhibit very primitive and violent behavior. On the other end of the spectrum you have XXX females who are extremely effeminate.  Between these extremes there are all sorts of other conditions like Klinefelter’s syndrome, Turner syndrome, etc… that affect your gender expression and identity during early development and puberty.

There’s plenty of good scientific literature on all this if you care to do the research.  Once I see an endocrinologist prior to beginning HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) I’ll have a better idea if I fall any of these known existing categories.

> First battle in life…know thyself. Accept who you are and move on.
> You think the grass will be any greener once you become a woman? Oh
> dear man…your lifelong troubles will only double at that point. Then
> your head just might pop because you will be pumped so full of female
> hormones a that point you wont be able to  think straight.

I do know myself and I’ve made the decision to accept who I am and move on. In my case, I find that I have a female psychology and a male body so moving on is going to involved some changes as outlined above.

If you are under the impression that female hormones make you not think straight I think you need to do a little more research on the topic.  That’s just not how that works.

> There will be more words on this. All of us are horrified…at least
> we worry for your welfare. Of course we all seem supportive and nice
> on the surface but I think you can imagine what our real feelings are.

Well, Brent expressed his reservations in a forthright manner that did not preclude his also being supportive and accepting of my ultimate decision. This is the tact that has the greatest chance of success, frankly.

If Tom and Bryan harbor reservations about my decision they have yet to voice them to me directly but I’m sure they will use similar tact if you are correct and they have such serious reservations.

> Don’t do it Will. Remeber Pet Cemetary? Don’t do it Will. Come back to
> the light and everything will be as it was.

This just don’t make no sense! :-P

A Bad Reaction to Coming Out

I had my first bad reaction to coming out recently with a long-time friend, Shep. I’ve known him since 1st grade so that makes for a total of 32 years! Anyway, when I spoke to him over the phone he seemed to take the news fine. Then, last night, he chatted me through AIM and the following conversation was the result. I know that Brent and Dave both harbor reservations about my decision but they delivered their opinions with a level of concern and tact not present in this diatribe so I can still have respect for them. Oh well…you can’t win them all.

(6:30:00 PM) Friend: yo!
(6:30:06 PM) Me: Yo!
(6:30:11 PM) Friend: what up?
(6:30:13 PM) Me: What’s going on?
(6:30:32 PM) Me: Not too much. Waiting for 7:30 to roll around…we’re taking Roy out to dinner as he’s leaving tomorrow for Mississippi.
(6:32:46 PM) Friend: moving to Miss.?
(6:33:09 PM) Me: Yep. He’s going to do some hurricane relief stuff.
(6:33:29 PM) Friend: What? Why?
(6:34:49 PM) Me: I think just to try to get his life back on track.
(6:35:19 PM) Friend: Hey, were you serious about that stuff you told me about on the phone?
(6:35:43 PM) Me: Yep. Did you think I was joking?
(6:36:11 PM) Friend: So you are going to try to get a sex change operation?
(6:36:30 PM) Me: That’s at the end of a pretty long process but yes, ultimately.
(6:36:50 PM) Friend: I think you should seriously reconsider
(6:37:07 PM) Me: Why do you say that?
(6:37:49 PM) Friend: Because I don’t think you should do that. I think that medication you have been taking has scrambled your brains.
(6:38:20 PM) Me: Negative. I’ve known this since I was VERY young. That’s Dave talking through you man…he’s the last guy you need to channel. :-D
(6:38:31 PM) Friend: are you still on meds?
(6:39:04 PM) Me: I’m still on the equivalent of prozac. Frankly, it’s a god send…truly a miracle of modern science.
(6:39:14 PM) Friend: How much anti-depressants do you take?
(6:39:19 PM) Friend: what is?
(6:39:26 PM) Friend: “a miracle”?
(6:39:29 PM) Me: I take 100mg of Zoloft
(6:39:47 PM) Me: Prozac and the other SSRIs are extremely effective at combating depression and have almost no side-effects.
(6:40:17 PM) Friend: What is a miracle of modern science? Meds or sex change operations?
(6:40:26 PM) Me: Prozac and the other SSRIs.
(6:41:27 PM) Friend: They have anti-depressants that have side effects which include suicide. That is some science. More like pseudo-science.
(6:41:59 PM) Friend: But I’m sure Pfizer and Merck thank you.
(6:42:35 PM) Me: The determination of whether a drug is effective or not is whether or not the risks associated with it are outweighed by the benefits. Obviously cancer drugs can kill you as well but they are accepted since they heal more than harm. SSRIs (like Prozac) have the best track record in this regard.
(6:43:40 PM) Friend: Keep funnelling that money to Merck…
(6:43:59 PM) Friend: dude, when did you decide that you wanted a sex change?
(6:44:04 PM) Me: The question I have to ask myself is whether I should let my own experience and the aggregate opinion of medical science inform my decision or whether I should let your and Dave’s uninformed opinions guide me. I think the choice is clear. :-D
(6:45:18 PM) Friend: Me and Dave? What does Tom, Bryan, Brent and Daren think about this sex change business?
(6:48:04 PM) Friend: hey!
(6:49:04 PM) Me: They have been very supportive.
(6:51:20 PM) Me: Even Barry is very supportive so overall I’ve been really happy with everyone’s response. Dave G. tried to organize some kind of intervention with T&D and said EXACTLY what you just said…that my brain is muddled with Prozac which is just ignorant crazy talk, frankly.
(6:58:10 PM) Friend: Dude, you should not do it.
(6:58:20 PM) Friend: You have completely lost it.
(6:58:26 PM) Me: Oh, sorry…missed your other question. I decided I wanted the “transition” (the actual sex change operation is the least important thing you do in terms of being accepted as female by the general public) just about four months ago. I started therapy about 1.5 months ago. I’ve known I’ve identified as a woman, at least in some way, since I was four years old.
(6:58:48 PM) Friend: I really hope that is some sort of elaborate hoax that you all concocted at Gen CON
(6:59:37 PM) Me: I’m sorry you feel that way but in fact I feel better psychologically/emotionally than I ever have. Many transexual women who suffer from depression and anxiety find they no longer need meds once they transition as this turns out to be the ultimate source of their problems.
(6:59:21 PM) Friend: Dude, you are about the least feminine person I’ve ever met.
(7:00:18 PM) Me: Well, I pretty much tried to mask it however possible and apparently was very successful. A lot of people who ultimately transition went into the army rangers, seals, etc… in an attempt to compensate for their inner turmoil.
(7:01:13 PM) Me: If you can’t deal with it I will just have to deal with that but I did feel I should tell you. I would have preferred to do it in person but it just wasn’t possible.
(7:01:40 PM) Friend: dude, so tom and bryan are all about this?
(7:02:39 PM) Me: I don’t think anyone is all about it but they support my decision and think it is the right one given our conversations about it. If they have any reservations they haven’t expressed them to me so you’d have to talk to them directly to get the direct scoop.
(7:02:36 PM) Friend: You will regret doing this, if you actually go through with this procedure.
(7:02:53 PM) Me: I know that I won’t but that’s OK that you think I will. :-D
(7:03:29 PM) Friend: I personally think you will be “screened out”.
(7:04:32 PM) Me: I don’t get that impression from my therapist at all. If you want you can read standards of care associated with the process.
(7:03:49 PM) Me: I’m kind of shocked that you’re so against it. You seemed fine over the phone.
(7:04:40 PM) Friend: Quite frankly, I thought it was some sort of eloborate hoax.
(7:04:12 PM) Friend: Do you reall think you will be a “woman” when you are done with this?
(7:05:31 PM) Me: I won’t be a genetic woman as they have XX chromosomes and chances are good that I’m XY. That said, with any luck (and a lot of hard work) I’ll be perceived by society as a woman which is all I really care about.
(7:05:56 PM) Friend: I think that you have completely lost it. I think that any doctor that performs that procedure should have their medical license revoked and jailed for mal-practice.
(7:06:06 PM) Friend: Why do you care what society thinks?
(7:06:24 PM) Friend: I think it’s total quackery.
(7:06:32 PM) Me: Well, I’m glad that you aren’t in charge of medical licensing for the procedure in that case! :-D
(7:06:44 PM) Friend: This is beyond pseudo-science.
(7:07:36 PM) Me: Well, again, you and I differ in opinion on this and we’ll probably just have to leave it at that. Agree to disagree and all that.
(7:07:33 PM) Friend: So when you become a woman are you gonna wnat to fuck dudes or chicks?
(7:07:56 PM) Friend: You are competetly nuts.
(7:08:21 PM) Friend: I’ll still be your friend, but you have lost it.
(7:08:31 PM) Me: Well, you’ve said that a few times already so I think I have your opinion officially recorded in my brain.
(7:08:39 PM) Friend: It started with all that Kurzweil shit.
(7:09:20 PM) Me: No, it didn’t. The singularity concept is very attractive to me on many levels, not the least of which is that in a virtual reality environment I could be a woman.
(7:09:49 PM) Me: There’s no doubt that plays a part in my interest in that possibility.
(7:10:35 PM) Friend: I really hope that you aren’t allowed to do this.
(7:11:10 PM) Friend: How much do you pay this person?
(7:11:13 PM) Me: That’s not the way it works. It’s not like they are there to put roadblocks in your way. They are there to monitor you and help you through the process.
(7:11:32 PM) Me: It’s covered by my insurance so I’m not sure what the full office visit cost is…I pay $30.00.
(7:12:25 PM) Friend: I have to tell you. You have been exhibiting behavior that leads me to believe that you have been brainwashed by some cult.
(7:13:37 PM) Me: I think you think that of people who don’t agree with you but I don’t want to get into a cat fight with you over this that descends into mutual accusations and name calling.
(7:14:19 PM) Friend: whatever…
(7:14:25 PM) Friend: Let me ask you this.
(7:14:48 PM) Friend: Do you have some kind of ramantic thing with that ******** guy?
(7:15:13 PM) Me: Nope. My wife and I are staying together so you don’t need to worry about that.
(7:15:40 PM) Friend: so are you atracted to both women and men?
(7:16:48 PM) Me: I’ve never been attracted to men but I know it is common for TS women to find themselves attracted to men after transition so I don’t want to unequivocally say that it will never happen given the statistical evidence that it is possible.
(7:15:56 PM) Me: This might be useful for you to read: http://www.tsfaq.info/
(7:16:47 PM) Friend: That falls in line with cult programming.
(7:17:15 PM) Me: It also falls in line with educating your ignorant friends about a condition that they don’t understand.
(7:17:31 PM) Friend: So what does it feel like to be a woman trapped in a mans body?
(7:17:40 PM) Me: It sucks. Hard.
(7:18:05 PM) Me: Lots of social anxiety since the world doesn’t see you the way you see you. This often leads to depression as well.
(7:18:13 PM) Friend: It’s fucking snake oil, dude. Yopu know phrenology was considered a real science one. as were other things.
(7:18:51 PM) Me: Your opinion on this has been backed up by zero facts. If you have some logic that leads you to these conclusions I’m happy to entertain them but just because you don’t believe it doesn’t really hold much weight.
(7:19:11 PM) Friend: You are not a woman. fact one.
(7:19:33 PM) Friend: Having an operation will not make you a woman. fact two.
(7:18:46 PM) Friend: Dude there is no fighting biology.
(7:19:12 PM) Me: We fight to better control biology all the time and we’re getting better at it all the time.
(7:20:09 PM) Me: The idea is that one’s gender identity is different from one’s actual genetic gender. Each person has a gender identity and a sexual orientation. If these don’t match their body or society’s expectation then there is a problem.
(7:20:25 PM) Friend: Are you confused?
(7:20:45 PM) Me: I’m not confused about how I feel or about which body I have. They simply don’t match.
(7:21:52 PM) Me: I would like them to. SO…I’m going to avail myself of what medical science has to offer because, as imperfect as it is, it is still better than what people with Gender Identity Disorder (Gender Dysphoria) had available to them in generations past.
(7:21:58 PM) Friend: You sound prety fucking confused to me.
(7:22:24 PM) Me: You sound almost threatened by the concept itself, which I can understand, but that shouldn’t be confused with what I’m feeling.
(7:22:53 PM) Friend: False accustations.
(7:22:23 PM) Friend: It’s pretty fucking selfish to put your friends and family through this shit too.
(7:23:21 PM) Me: I think its selfish for you to try to dictate to me what I should do with my life but I’m pretty much able to rise above it. Hopefully, you can as well.
(7:23:44 PM) Friend: “generations past” you have got to be fucking kidding me. this is a modern phenomenon
(7:24:36 PM) Me: No, it’s not. It was diagnosed much differently in the past and, as with homosexuality, anyone exhibiting the behavior in question was usually ostracized or worse unless they could repress it effectively. Thank goodness we don’t live in that demon haunted world.
(7:24:48 PM) Friend: Dude, you are about the most selfish person I know, ask any one of your friends. they will tell you the same. It’s something that we have all grown accustom to
(7:25:16 PM) Me: Well, I must have some redeeming quality that keeps you all around. :-D
(7:25:25 PM) Friend: “Demon haunted world”? What the fuck. You don’t even beleive in God.
(7:25:50 PM) Me: Exactly. I didn’t say demons actually existed. Re-read the statement for clarification.
(7:26:10 PM) Friend: Like I said, I’ll still be your friend but I will not support this.
(7:27:34 PM) Me: No problem. If you have any questions feel free to ask. Otherwise it’s not like I’m going to be bringing it up all the time. If you want to hang out with me in the future (it’ll be at least a year before I begin to present as female in public) you’ll have to learn to deal with it at that level as well though and be willing not to be hurtful in your comments. I know that might be hard to do but that’s what it comes down to.
(7:28:39 PM) Friend: Transsexualism is quackery. i can’t beleive you have fallen for this.
(7:29:22 PM) Me: Yeah, and I guess homosexuality and other psychological disorders are all quackery too. Just because you don’t want to believe in them. I really expected more from a good liberal like you but, alas! :-D
(7:29:35 PM) Friend: I am not a liberal
(7:29:47 PM) Friend: Liberaliam is dead in this country.
(7:29:59 PM) Friend: This tolerance thing is bullshit too.
(7:28:39 PM) Me: If you want to see a few good movies about it you can check out Transgeneration or Transamerica. Transamerica you can probably get at any old movie store.
(7:29:12 PM) Friend: Is that what hapened? You saw this movie “transamerica” and thought “it was neat”?
(7:29:23 PM) Friend: That is the second time you have said that>
(7:30:30 PM) Me: Negative. It was inspiring though. Neat certainly isn’t the right word. Pretty much growing up I thought I was “an abomination unto the lord” for how I felt. After I got through that I figured “well, there’s nothing you can do about it so suck it up you wuss”. Thankfully, I know better now.
(7:31:06 PM) Friend: dude, you have been duped.
(7:32:05 PM) Me: Well, again, we’ll have to agree to disagree. I’ve got to head out to Roy’s going away party but feel free to chat me again or call if you want to talk more about this.
(7:32:24 PM) Friend: dude, what aboutall those times that you ever said “Fuck what people think. I don’t give a fuck what people think.”
(7:33:06 PM) Friend: You have lost it. seek help.
(7:33:18 PM) Me: I’ve gotta run but I have to tell you that I’m not doing this because of what others think…I’m doing this for myself. Have a good night!
(7:33:41 PM) Friend: you are full of shit.
(7:33:46 PM) Friend: laterz

Scrap Books and Other Odds-And-Ends

Just recently I insisted I probably wouldn’t be interested in scrap booking. I’m still probably not interested in scrapping per se but my therapist assigned me the mission of creating one to include ideas about how I’d like to present as a female. This sounded like a reasonable and helpful idea so here I am making a scrap book! Doh! I went out to dinner with Tom and Denise tonight and Denise helped me pick out some basic scrapping stuff at Michael’s to get started. I went a little on the cheap side since I’m still looking for gainful employment in the wake of my consulting gigs drying up several months ago…more news on that later as I’ve been working pretty hard on this, the monetary front.

Dinner out was fun. The guys are poking fun pretty hard but I’m thick skinned about it after years of taking and giving this kind of abuse and it’s probably a good sign that they don’t want things to change too much between us as friends. The latest joke is that they’ve created a betting pool as to who gets to third base with me first after my transition. Ouch! Yep, it’s harsh but there have never been any bars held in the past and this is only moderately severe ribbing by our usual tortuous standards. Oh well, I got Tom back when he threatened to riffle through my purse when I get one. I told him he wouldn’t do it again after he found my dilator. This pretty much shut him down and got him blushing. Haw!

My wife is out of town on business tonight so Bryan is coming over afterwards to hang out for a bit. He’ll get to see my makeup mirror and such which is setup next to my main computer. There’ll be some uncomfortable joking abou it but over time I’m confident that they’ll acclimate.

Oh! I called Dave last night and filled him in and at first he totally refused to believe me. After an hour or so of chatting he was about 50/50 convinced I was serious. I found out today that he called Bryan and Tom both to check on my story and even went so far as to accuse them both of being in on the “joke”. Once Denise talked to him he finally realized that this is the real deal. At this point he made a few comments about how he thought that I should suck it up and live out my life as a man, how the whole thing was unnatural, and how they should have an intervention to convince me to come to my senses. He’s a bit of a conspiracy nut and a weak thinker (lack of higher education) so he actually tried to blame my decision on a mind weakened by antidepressants. Basically, he’s an idiot but, in the end, he did tell Denise that he would support me and continue to be my friend. I think he will but I’m sure his even-crazier schizophrenic father will continue to poison his mind with this rot. Surprisingly enough, I’m not the least bit offended or put off by this. I just couldn’t be happier to finally be on the right path in life and totally honest with myself. Who would have thought something as simple as this could be so powerful?

I also tried to call Jim but he’s out of town for a long weekend and works rotating shifts so it may be a day or two before he calls back. I also still need to tell some of my old Religious Studies professors from VWC who still maintain contact. Dr. Wansink will understand as he’s young and open minded and I think Dr. Sheally will too. He’s old but spry for his age and sharp as a tack. He’ll probably see this as a chance to learn something new. Dr. Kessler is also old but in failing health and a bit conservative. That said, he’s as kind as anyone can be so I think he’ll handle it well. Honestly, I think he’d suffer much more if I told him I was an agnostic techno-utopian!

Transgender Movie Sunday

My wife and I went to my trans-gender support group’s movie day yesterday (Sunday) to see “Different For Girls” and so that she could meet everyone. They’re a really good bunch and the movie was fun. I have to say though that of all the TG/TS movies I’ve seen this is the last one I could show to any of my old childhood guy pals. If you haven’t seen the movie you might be wondering why. Well, the movie is about two pals from school who meet later in life after one has had SRS and they fall in love…gulp. Oh, and in case you’re wondering– yes, my friends are, by and large, almost completely immature.

Pronouns. Up until this point in my life I haven’t given them much thought. Using them has been pretty much reflexive and automatic. This is not the case at TG/TS event and I often worry afterwards if I screwed up and used words like he/she and him/her inappropriately. MUST…USE…BRAIN…WHEN…SPEAKING! I don’t THINK I’ve screwed up yet but I’m worried I have or that I’m going to. Blargh.

The next movie is going to be “Southern Comfort”. No, not THAT “Southern Comfort”. When I saw the announcement I was like “hey, I saw that movie and I don’t think it’s exactly on topic!” It turns out, however, that there is another movie by the same name that IS on topic. It looks interesting but sad. I have to say that when movies hit this close to home I prefer them to have happy endings!

Coming Out, Part III

On Saturday one of my friends (Barry) held a LAN party at his house. (Quake III still rocks!) Brent called and asked for a ride so I figured this would be a good opportunity to come out to him over lunch. Again, everything went well although he was speechless for about a minute before regaining his composure. Later on during the party, after he’d had more than a few beers, he pulled me aside and asked if this was some sort of joke or test and I assured him this was not the case. I left the party early and told Barry and his brother Don as well before leaving. The list of those I still need to tell is getting ever shorter and I am encouraged by how well everyone is reacting. Yay!

On Friday I called Carlos and Jen who both live in MA and also wrote my friend/ex-boss Mike. Carlos was taken aback and was quite tongue-tied so I’m not sure how things will work out there. Jen was very supportive and happy for me. Proof once again that women are the superior gender. (haw!) I haven’t heard back from Mike yet but I’m hopeful he’ll take the news well.

I talked to Bryan on Sunday about Brent’s reaction later that night (after I had left) and apparently he’s somewhat in denial. Then again, that could just be the hooch talking. According to Bryan he thinks I’m off my rocker but, as is typical with Brent, his own problems are always someone else’s. He’ll get over it, I’m sure.

So who do I still need to tell? Well, as far as family is concerned I still need to tell my mom and my sister but that has to wait until my mom is back in town. I have a large extended family on both my father and mother’s side but I have virtually no contact with them. I’m going to talk to my cousin JK (who is openly gay) about who on my father’s side to approach first. I need to get his phone number from my aunt which will be a weird conversation. I have even less contact with my mom’s side of the family so I guess they’ll just get to hear about it from her if she decides to tell them or they’ll hear it through the grapevine.

After that, I think I’m done. I have some friends I’ve made on-line I can tell but that’s no big deal. Overall, I’m surprised at how much worry I had over the issue of coming out. Either I’m really good at choosing friends, I’m really lucky, or people are generally more accepting that I gave them credit for. Maybe all of the above?

Brent did call the next day on Sunday just to chat which is rare. It seems obvious he was testing the waters and just trying to make sure there was no lingering weirdness between us. Bryan and Tom also called on Sunday so I think everyone is checking up on me. It’s good to have good friends!