A Bad Reaction to Coming Out

I had my first bad reaction to coming out recently with a long-time friend, Shep. I’ve known him since 1st grade so that makes for a total of 32 years! Anyway, when I spoke to him over the phone he seemed to take the news fine. Then, last night, he chatted me through AIM and the following conversation was the result. I know that Brent and Dave both harbor reservations about my decision but they delivered their opinions with a level of concern and tact not present in this diatribe so I can still have respect for them. Oh well…you can’t win them all.

(6:30:00 PM) Friend: yo!
(6:30:06 PM) Me: Yo!
(6:30:11 PM) Friend: what up?
(6:30:13 PM) Me: What’s going on?
(6:30:32 PM) Me: Not too much. Waiting for 7:30 to roll around…we’re taking Roy out to dinner as he’s leaving tomorrow for Mississippi.
(6:32:46 PM) Friend: moving to Miss.?
(6:33:09 PM) Me: Yep. He’s going to do some hurricane relief stuff.
(6:33:29 PM) Friend: What? Why?
(6:34:49 PM) Me: I think just to try to get his life back on track.
(6:35:19 PM) Friend: Hey, were you serious about that stuff you told me about on the phone?
(6:35:43 PM) Me: Yep. Did you think I was joking?
(6:36:11 PM) Friend: So you are going to try to get a sex change operation?
(6:36:30 PM) Me: That’s at the end of a pretty long process but yes, ultimately.
(6:36:50 PM) Friend: I think you should seriously reconsider
(6:37:07 PM) Me: Why do you say that?
(6:37:49 PM) Friend: Because I don’t think you should do that. I think that medication you have been taking has scrambled your brains.
(6:38:20 PM) Me: Negative. I’ve known this since I was VERY young. That’s Dave talking through you man…he’s the last guy you need to channel. :-D
(6:38:31 PM) Friend: are you still on meds?
(6:39:04 PM) Me: I’m still on the equivalent of prozac. Frankly, it’s a god send…truly a miracle of modern science.
(6:39:14 PM) Friend: How much anti-depressants do you take?
(6:39:19 PM) Friend: what is?
(6:39:26 PM) Friend: “a miracle”?
(6:39:29 PM) Me: I take 100mg of Zoloft
(6:39:47 PM) Me: Prozac and the other SSRIs are extremely effective at combating depression and have almost no side-effects.
(6:40:17 PM) Friend: What is a miracle of modern science? Meds or sex change operations?
(6:40:26 PM) Me: Prozac and the other SSRIs.
(6:41:27 PM) Friend: They have anti-depressants that have side effects which include suicide. That is some science. More like pseudo-science.
(6:41:59 PM) Friend: But I’m sure Pfizer and Merck thank you.
(6:42:35 PM) Me: The determination of whether a drug is effective or not is whether or not the risks associated with it are outweighed by the benefits. Obviously cancer drugs can kill you as well but they are accepted since they heal more than harm. SSRIs (like Prozac) have the best track record in this regard.
(6:43:40 PM) Friend: Keep funnelling that money to Merck…
(6:43:59 PM) Friend: dude, when did you decide that you wanted a sex change?
(6:44:04 PM) Me: The question I have to ask myself is whether I should let my own experience and the aggregate opinion of medical science inform my decision or whether I should let your and Dave’s uninformed opinions guide me. I think the choice is clear. :-D
(6:45:18 PM) Friend: Me and Dave? What does Tom, Bryan, Brent and Daren think about this sex change business?
(6:48:04 PM) Friend: hey!
(6:49:04 PM) Me: They have been very supportive.
(6:51:20 PM) Me: Even Barry is very supportive so overall I’ve been really happy with everyone’s response. Dave G. tried to organize some kind of intervention with T&D and said EXACTLY what you just said…that my brain is muddled with Prozac which is just ignorant crazy talk, frankly.
(6:58:10 PM) Friend: Dude, you should not do it.
(6:58:20 PM) Friend: You have completely lost it.
(6:58:26 PM) Me: Oh, sorry…missed your other question. I decided I wanted the “transition” (the actual sex change operation is the least important thing you do in terms of being accepted as female by the general public) just about four months ago. I started therapy about 1.5 months ago. I’ve known I’ve identified as a woman, at least in some way, since I was four years old.
(6:58:48 PM) Friend: I really hope that is some sort of elaborate hoax that you all concocted at Gen CON
(6:59:37 PM) Me: I’m sorry you feel that way but in fact I feel better psychologically/emotionally than I ever have. Many transexual women who suffer from depression and anxiety find they no longer need meds once they transition as this turns out to be the ultimate source of their problems.
(6:59:21 PM) Friend: Dude, you are about the least feminine person I’ve ever met.
(7:00:18 PM) Me: Well, I pretty much tried to mask it however possible and apparently was very successful. A lot of people who ultimately transition went into the army rangers, seals, etc… in an attempt to compensate for their inner turmoil.
(7:01:13 PM) Me: If you can’t deal with it I will just have to deal with that but I did feel I should tell you. I would have preferred to do it in person but it just wasn’t possible.
(7:01:40 PM) Friend: dude, so tom and bryan are all about this?
(7:02:39 PM) Me: I don’t think anyone is all about it but they support my decision and think it is the right one given our conversations about it. If they have any reservations they haven’t expressed them to me so you’d have to talk to them directly to get the direct scoop.
(7:02:36 PM) Friend: You will regret doing this, if you actually go through with this procedure.
(7:02:53 PM) Me: I know that I won’t but that’s OK that you think I will. :-D
(7:03:29 PM) Friend: I personally think you will be “screened out”.
(7:04:32 PM) Me: I don’t get that impression from my therapist at all. If you want you can read standards of care associated with the process.
(7:03:49 PM) Me: I’m kind of shocked that you’re so against it. You seemed fine over the phone.
(7:04:40 PM) Friend: Quite frankly, I thought it was some sort of eloborate hoax.
(7:04:12 PM) Friend: Do you reall think you will be a “woman” when you are done with this?
(7:05:31 PM) Me: I won’t be a genetic woman as they have XX chromosomes and chances are good that I’m XY. That said, with any luck (and a lot of hard work) I’ll be perceived by society as a woman which is all I really care about.
(7:05:56 PM) Friend: I think that you have completely lost it. I think that any doctor that performs that procedure should have their medical license revoked and jailed for mal-practice.
(7:06:06 PM) Friend: Why do you care what society thinks?
(7:06:24 PM) Friend: I think it’s total quackery.
(7:06:32 PM) Me: Well, I’m glad that you aren’t in charge of medical licensing for the procedure in that case! :-D
(7:06:44 PM) Friend: This is beyond pseudo-science.
(7:07:36 PM) Me: Well, again, you and I differ in opinion on this and we’ll probably just have to leave it at that. Agree to disagree and all that.
(7:07:33 PM) Friend: So when you become a woman are you gonna wnat to fuck dudes or chicks?
(7:07:56 PM) Friend: You are competetly nuts.
(7:08:21 PM) Friend: I’ll still be your friend, but you have lost it.
(7:08:31 PM) Me: Well, you’ve said that a few times already so I think I have your opinion officially recorded in my brain.
(7:08:39 PM) Friend: It started with all that Kurzweil shit.
(7:09:20 PM) Me: No, it didn’t. The singularity concept is very attractive to me on many levels, not the least of which is that in a virtual reality environment I could be a woman.
(7:09:49 PM) Me: There’s no doubt that plays a part in my interest in that possibility.
(7:10:35 PM) Friend: I really hope that you aren’t allowed to do this.
(7:11:10 PM) Friend: How much do you pay this person?
(7:11:13 PM) Me: That’s not the way it works. It’s not like they are there to put roadblocks in your way. They are there to monitor you and help you through the process.
(7:11:32 PM) Me: It’s covered by my insurance so I’m not sure what the full office visit cost is…I pay $30.00.
(7:12:25 PM) Friend: I have to tell you. You have been exhibiting behavior that leads me to believe that you have been brainwashed by some cult.
(7:13:37 PM) Me: I think you think that of people who don’t agree with you but I don’t want to get into a cat fight with you over this that descends into mutual accusations and name calling.
(7:14:19 PM) Friend: whatever…
(7:14:25 PM) Friend: Let me ask you this.
(7:14:48 PM) Friend: Do you have some kind of ramantic thing with that ******** guy?
(7:15:13 PM) Me: Nope. My wife and I are staying together so you don’t need to worry about that.
(7:15:40 PM) Friend: so are you atracted to both women and men?
(7:16:48 PM) Me: I’ve never been attracted to men but I know it is common for TS women to find themselves attracted to men after transition so I don’t want to unequivocally say that it will never happen given the statistical evidence that it is possible.
(7:15:56 PM) Me: This might be useful for you to read: http://www.tsfaq.info/
(7:16:47 PM) Friend: That falls in line with cult programming.
(7:17:15 PM) Me: It also falls in line with educating your ignorant friends about a condition that they don’t understand.
(7:17:31 PM) Friend: So what does it feel like to be a woman trapped in a mans body?
(7:17:40 PM) Me: It sucks. Hard.
(7:18:05 PM) Me: Lots of social anxiety since the world doesn’t see you the way you see you. This often leads to depression as well.
(7:18:13 PM) Friend: It’s fucking snake oil, dude. Yopu know phrenology was considered a real science one. as were other things.
(7:18:51 PM) Me: Your opinion on this has been backed up by zero facts. If you have some logic that leads you to these conclusions I’m happy to entertain them but just because you don’t believe it doesn’t really hold much weight.
(7:19:11 PM) Friend: You are not a woman. fact one.
(7:19:33 PM) Friend: Having an operation will not make you a woman. fact two.
(7:18:46 PM) Friend: Dude there is no fighting biology.
(7:19:12 PM) Me: We fight to better control biology all the time and we’re getting better at it all the time.
(7:20:09 PM) Me: The idea is that one’s gender identity is different from one’s actual genetic gender. Each person has a gender identity and a sexual orientation. If these don’t match their body or society’s expectation then there is a problem.
(7:20:25 PM) Friend: Are you confused?
(7:20:45 PM) Me: I’m not confused about how I feel or about which body I have. They simply don’t match.
(7:21:52 PM) Me: I would like them to. SO…I’m going to avail myself of what medical science has to offer because, as imperfect as it is, it is still better than what people with Gender Identity Disorder (Gender Dysphoria) had available to them in generations past.
(7:21:58 PM) Friend: You sound prety fucking confused to me.
(7:22:24 PM) Me: You sound almost threatened by the concept itself, which I can understand, but that shouldn’t be confused with what I’m feeling.
(7:22:53 PM) Friend: False accustations.
(7:22:23 PM) Friend: It’s pretty fucking selfish to put your friends and family through this shit too.
(7:23:21 PM) Me: I think its selfish for you to try to dictate to me what I should do with my life but I’m pretty much able to rise above it. Hopefully, you can as well.
(7:23:44 PM) Friend: “generations past” you have got to be fucking kidding me. this is a modern phenomenon
(7:24:36 PM) Me: No, it’s not. It was diagnosed much differently in the past and, as with homosexuality, anyone exhibiting the behavior in question was usually ostracized or worse unless they could repress it effectively. Thank goodness we don’t live in that demon haunted world.
(7:24:48 PM) Friend: Dude, you are about the most selfish person I know, ask any one of your friends. they will tell you the same. It’s something that we have all grown accustom to
(7:25:16 PM) Me: Well, I must have some redeeming quality that keeps you all around. :-D
(7:25:25 PM) Friend: “Demon haunted world”? What the fuck. You don’t even beleive in God.
(7:25:50 PM) Me: Exactly. I didn’t say demons actually existed. Re-read the statement for clarification.
(7:26:10 PM) Friend: Like I said, I’ll still be your friend but I will not support this.
(7:27:34 PM) Me: No problem. If you have any questions feel free to ask. Otherwise it’s not like I’m going to be bringing it up all the time. If you want to hang out with me in the future (it’ll be at least a year before I begin to present as female in public) you’ll have to learn to deal with it at that level as well though and be willing not to be hurtful in your comments. I know that might be hard to do but that’s what it comes down to.
(7:28:39 PM) Friend: Transsexualism is quackery. i can’t beleive you have fallen for this.
(7:29:22 PM) Me: Yeah, and I guess homosexuality and other psychological disorders are all quackery too. Just because you don’t want to believe in them. I really expected more from a good liberal like you but, alas! :-D
(7:29:35 PM) Friend: I am not a liberal
(7:29:47 PM) Friend: Liberaliam is dead in this country.
(7:29:59 PM) Friend: This tolerance thing is bullshit too.
(7:28:39 PM) Me: If you want to see a few good movies about it you can check out Transgeneration or Transamerica. Transamerica you can probably get at any old movie store.
(7:29:12 PM) Friend: Is that what hapened? You saw this movie “transamerica” and thought “it was neat”?
(7:29:23 PM) Friend: That is the second time you have said that>
(7:30:30 PM) Me: Negative. It was inspiring though. Neat certainly isn’t the right word. Pretty much growing up I thought I was “an abomination unto the lord” for how I felt. After I got through that I figured “well, there’s nothing you can do about it so suck it up you wuss”. Thankfully, I know better now.
(7:31:06 PM) Friend: dude, you have been duped.
(7:32:05 PM) Me: Well, again, we’ll have to agree to disagree. I’ve got to head out to Roy’s going away party but feel free to chat me again or call if you want to talk more about this.
(7:32:24 PM) Friend: dude, what aboutall those times that you ever said “Fuck what people think. I don’t give a fuck what people think.”
(7:33:06 PM) Friend: You have lost it. seek help.
(7:33:18 PM) Me: I’ve gotta run but I have to tell you that I’m not doing this because of what others think…I’m doing this for myself. Have a good night!
(7:33:41 PM) Friend: you are full of shit.
(7:33:46 PM) Friend: laterz