Coming Out, Part II

Yesterday was a big day. I met Bryan for lunch and gave him the scoop and he seemed to take it very well. He also mentioned that he thought that Tom was on to the fact that something was going on so I decided to have dinner with him and tell him as well. As Bryan suggested, he seemed to take the news very well also. Basically, their reaction went something like this: a) OK, I’m waiting for the punchline… b) OK, well, I didn’t see that coming! c) Are you sure? d) Well, I’m there to support you. e) We’re still going to joke you about it. Since these face-to-face confessions went well I decided to call Daren in Tennessee and Shep in Hawaii as well. Although it’s more difficult to judge a person’s reaction over the phone I think things went just as well with them.

It was SUCH a relief to tell them but I’m still a little afraid of the long term reaction once the reality of this sets in. Tom’s wife wrote me a nice note complementing me on my bravery and offering to do “girly” things with me when I’m ready. That was sweet of her but I’m not sure I’m ever going to be much into scrap booking for the sake of scrap booking and making cards and such. Maybe the estrogen will activate some latent crafting gene but I kind of doubt it. Nevertheless, it was a kind offer and it certainly made me feel good!

I’ll tell Brent next, probably with Bryan and Tom around as he is my oldest friend and the least emotionally stable. To me this adds up to a high probability that he’ll have trouble accepting it. I’m also preparing a coming out letter for a few people who I know less well but who also play a roll in my life. Telling my mom will have to wait until she returns from her trip to visit my sister. I’ll tell her sometime thereafter as she is a pretty hard-core fundamentalist and will likely have big issues to deal with.

I know my wife is anxious to tell her mother and I’m not going to try to hold her back.  Better to get through this phase and move on to the next challenge I think.

Basically, now that the cat is finally coming out of the bag I’m just anxious to get her out of that damn thing altogether. It’s a bit scary but liberating.

More Training Videos

Last night we went for a walk and I was upset because I couldn’t get the hang of walking like a female. God, the strange stuff I worry about these days! Anyway, after moping around a bit after we got back to the house I consulted the oracle of our modern age: Google.

Sure enough, there are videos for helping transexual women learn to move like, well, women! Here’s a link in case anyone is interested:

http://www.femimage.com/

I ordered the whole 4-disc set and will add this to my ever growing list of things to-do re: transition. These look like fun though! Worst case scenario is that I end up learning how to walk around like a slut but that’s not the impression I get from the web-site.

Also, my resume has been updated and I’ve sent it out in response to two consulting opportunities. I’m also going to two IT staffing services next week for part time work until something more substantial pays off. My next big expense is $500 or so for my first laser hair removal session in just under two weeks. I can’t wait!

Coming Out

Perhaps the fact that my wife took the news so well has emboldened me more than can be justified rationally but today I’m coming out to good friend who I think can handle the news with aplomb. Why is he such a good candidate? Well, he has a lot of gay and lesbian friends that he keeps carefully segregated from us, his “other” friends, who he presumes would be less tolerant. I think he’s a bit afraid of what might happen when worlds collide. He may be less worried about this after today.

I also considered telling my mother during the drive to drop her off at my sister’s house tomorrow but my wife helped me to realize that I should wait until she returns. Her point, well taken, is that if she chooses to tell my sister (a fundamentalist christian with a lot of issues of her own) she may poison her thinking during the delicate period when my mom is trying to figure out what all this means. Duh, I should have thought of that but, although I’m afraid of how people will react to the news, I’m also anxious to tell them. Kind of weird. More news on this front as it develops.

My Second Therapy Session / MAC Cosmetics

My wife went with me to this session and it went pretty well although I was more nervous than usual. I guess it was just weird to be in the room with two people talking about me and talking about something that I’ve pretty much hidden as far inside myself as I was capable. Weird weird weird! But at the same time it’s liberating so I know there is only one path to tread: forward!

I also mentioned that I wasn’t a strong person but I think that’s a bit of an over simplification. I have an anxiety disorder that can cause an adrenalin feedback loop leaving me flushed and sometimes worse. Antenolol helps a lot but I can’t take it every day so I always feel at risk of a panic attack. Blargh. Still, I’ve managed to persevere through life in the face of this so I think that actually makes me a strong person in some ways. Life is usually more complicated than simple statements like “I’m strong” or “I’m weak” so I think it’s always good qualify them. I guess this is my after-the-fact attempt to do just that.

After the session we had lunch at the Oasis cafe and stopped by the MAC counter at Nordstroms and picked up some concealer and foundation recommended by one of their attendants. It went surprisingly well and no one asked any weird questions. Having my wife along was certainly a great help, that’s for sure! After that we stopped by Gilbert Optical to pick up my contact lens prescription and then came home.

Overall, this was not a bad day at all. I was a little testy the morning and night before. Basically, I was snippy because sometimes my wife wants to talk about transexuality at times when I just want to not think about it at all. That said, we’re pretty good at communicating in a way that doesn’t engender hostility so I don’t foresee any problems here aside from the occasional outburst like: “I’m trying to write an email and don’t want to talk about why I liked to dress up in Army clothes and go traipsing around military bases when I was growing up!”

:-)

Voice & Makeup Video Training

I just received Finding Your Female Voice and the two Makeup training videos from Deep Stealth. Oh, and a $100 half-way decent synthetic wig to help me visualize what I’ll look like. Unfortunately, I have a big head so my selection of wigs is limited…the custom ones cost hundreds of dollars and just don’t seem worth it considering the expenses I’ll be facing in the near future. I still need to get a hand mirror and a tape recorder for the FYFV video but I’ll pick those up soon. All of this spending (and much more to come) will need to be subsidized by my getting a full-time job so after I get back from GenCon the job search is officially on.

I’ve also bought a bunch of cheap drugstore makeup to play with while learning and gave it a shot the other night. I followed along with the video and the whole process took about four hours!!! Still, at the end, I never looked better, at least in my own eyes which is what matters most I’m starting to understand. I really wish it hadn’t taken so long for me to learn these important lessons in life. What’s more, I’m sure there are many more such lessons to learn and I don’t even realize it yet! The average life span is simply not enough IMHO. My only solace is that you see so many people around you who are much older and are even less far along the road to maturity and sanity. That’s a pretty sad thing to have to find solace in, no doubt about it.

Upcomming Stuff and Other Miscellanea

Just a post to serve as a reminder to post about a few things that are post-worthy. Here’s the list of topics:

• Transgender & Transexualism in Second Life
• You might be transexual if… memories from a confused childhood
• Transexuals don’t crossdress

All these topics and more! Oh, also I’ll probably be moving this blog to either MySpace and/or LiveJournal. I should create an application that cross posts to multiple blogs/journals/social networking sites since there are so many cool people out there and it’s easier to stay in touch when you’re in the same “system”. I think I’m going to end up being some sort of transgender activist after my transition since I feel so strongly about sharing all of this in the hope of helping others find themselves. First things first though!

Emotional State, Self-Image, and Blatant Narcissism

My anxiety and energy levels have been a bit high lately. I am motivated like I’ve never been motivated before which is a great feeling but a lot of my emotional capacity, stunted for years behind a masculine facade, is starting to surface and it’s really taking me by surprise. (I’m an INFP by the way, in case anyone loves the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator as I do!) Today I was teary eyed all throughout Cars (Cars for goodness sake!!! and I’m not even on HRT yet!!!) and my general anxiety level (already kinda bad because I have GSAD) has been elevated. I’m so looking forward to my workout tomorrow (never thought I’d see those words emerge from my mouth or fingers) so I can work off some of the stress!

Before deciding to transition I had minimal concern for my physical appearance…good enough was good enough, basically. Now, however, I’m totally motivated. I’ve changed my diet for the better, lost 40 pounds (so far…145 pounds here I come!), and exercise at least 30 minutes each day. There are a lot of things to worry about as I look at my future but a lot of good stuff is already happening which is so encouraging!

I worry a lot about whether I’ll be able to pass but after looking at some of Dr. Ousterhout’s work I am, again, very encouraged. I’m probably in the “average” category as far as appearance is concerned…I don’t look particularly feminine (d*mn you, Lee Pace!) but I don’t have broad shoulders or chiseled masculine features either. Would I like to look hot as a woman? You betcha! Am I going to try? D*mn straight! Is it all important to me? Nope, I can live with just passing. Frankly, I can “go on with life” no matter what it throws at me but to be able to be my true self in the eyes of the world around me is something worth fighting for. I want it if I can have it.

Anyway, sorry for the egocentric self-examination stuff but I’m just trying to be honest about what’s going on in my head. If that makes me out to be someone with a little too much self-interest I’m going to have to plead guilty as charged. On the other hand, if you come upon this blog some day you might find that if you’re honest with yourself these “petty” concerns don’t seem so petty when they are a real part of your life.

Soldier’s Girl

I am so depressed after watching this film…which is to say it was a wonderful film. My heart was torn out of my body watching the relationship between Calpernia and Barry develop; I cried like I haven’t cried since my father passed away two years ago. And this was BEFORE Barry was brutaly murdered. If I ever find that kind of love for myself I will be so incredibly happy. The other side of the coin is that if I were to find such love and then lose it to ignorance and prejudice the way it was lost in the film it would just leave me dead forever. I don’t know how people go on after something like this. Anyway, you should watch this film but, seriously, keep a box of tissue handy.

So you know you’re a girl…now what?

I guess I’ll kick off this blog/diary by explaining what has prompted me to write it and tell you a bit about what I plan to post here in the future. Unlike my previous abortive efforts at becoming a web diva this blog truly comes from my heart and will really help me deal with the very serious issues I’m facing. Don’t worry though…I’ll try to use as much humor as I can muster as laughter is, in fact, a wonderful medicine!

Anyway, here’s my story. I’m currently a 36 year old woman trapped in the body of man. Ouch. How’s that for losing a big part of your life? Oh, and did I mention how I put my various significant others, each of whom I loved dearly, through living hell?

Although this fact has jumped in front of me like a wino chasing a pink elephant into oncoming traffic more than a few times during my life I’ve always managed to dismiss it for one reason or another. When I was young, the fact that I was raised a fundamentalist Christian led me to reject this truth about myself lest I be cast upon the molten pits of Hades for being an abomination unto the Lord. Later, the excuse became “well, I can’t do a damn thing about it so toughen up and move on you wuss!” This was a more reasonable excuse (as crappy unreasonable excuses go…) considering my general ignorance, the fact that access to the Internet hadn’t trickled down to my home town, and the reality that I was not strong enough to ask anyone in real life for advice.

Oh well, to make a long story short the inevitable sexual problems arose in my latest relationship and I was soon back to cross dressing and pining away to be the woman I could never be. Poor me. Then one day just a few weeks ago Netflix kindly delivered TransAmerica to my doorstep and I was soon treated to a realistic portrayal of what dedication and modern science (and a good chunk of cash) can accomplish in the pursuit of one’s own identity. OH…MY…GOD. Tons of on-line research conducted until the wee hours of the morning and now…

…I’m here.

I’ve told my wife and she’s been unbelievably supportive. (More on that later!) I don’t know if our marriage will/can survive but I know our love will and that’s so much more important to me than anything else. I still love all of my exes and I think they still love me so that helps me sleep a bit easier at night. Oh, I also started therapy, am scheduling electrolysis at E2000 tomorrow (they have a huge waiting list so cross your fingers for me and wish me luck!), and will start working on makeup and voice as soon as my cool new stuff arrives from Deep Stealth. (Those guys are way cool! I so love you two already! Thank you SO much from the bottom of my heart!) Oh, and I’m under Dr.’s orders to build a wardrobe which I’ll probably do by visiting a few of the “up scale” thrift stores in the area. But first I need to figure out what “season” I am…I have SO much to learn but I can’t wait to get started!

Next up is to get a good full-time job and save money like the miserly little squirrel I am so I can afford all the best procedures and surgeries I’ll need to look like Natalie Portman when this is all over with. (Yeah right!)

Anyway, much more to come! I already have lots more to share but it will have to wait until tomorrow!

Becki